Sentimental Thoughts

Last night, there was a huge thunderstorm. Around 3am, after one of our late-night nursing sessions, I gingerly put Nathan down in his crib next to our bed, hoping that the loud thunder wouldn't disturb his precarious sleep. Usually, after I put him down I can't fall asleep right away because there's always a chance in the first five minutes that his fussing will turn into wakefulness. Last night, in that five-minute zone, as I was lying in bed sandwiched betweeen my sleeping husband and my barely-sleeping son I was struck by how lucky I was to have them in my life. It was nice to have that sweet moment of gratitude and realization, rather than my usual feeling of tired crankiness at 3am. Then there was an extra loud clap of thunder, and Nathan woke up. Curses!

My baby is no longer a newborn, at least not according to his wardrobe. Lately, some of his clothes have been too tight, so I boxed away some of his newborn clothes and I felt surprisingly sentimental about it. I've been sort of wishing away this newborn stage and I keep looking forward to future milestones - when he can hold his neck up, when he can sleep for at least 4-5 consecutive hours, when he can smile and interact - so I was surprised that putting away some of his onesies and sleepers made my heart ache a bit. I especially had a hard time putting away the outfit he came home from the hospital in. Did you keep that special first outfit? What did you do with it?

Letters to Nathan: One Month

July 2012

Dear Nathan,

Happy one-month birthday! I can’t believe you’re only a month old. It feels like you have been a part of our lives for much longer than that. This month has brought so many changes to our lives, and it’s been quite an adjustment.

But first, have I told you that you are the most perfect looking baby ever? As soon as you came into this world, you were just gorgeous – perfect skin, beautiful smooth face, hair galore (at the back, at least). Your eyes right now are a beautiful dark grey with a hint of blue, though your dad and I think it’ll likely darken later. Your hair is so unique! It’s dark, with light brown tips. You’ve got lots of thick hair at the back, and not so much at the top/front. Your dad and I joke that we’ll let your hair grow out naturally into a baby mullet. Your cheeks are adorably chubby. I love kissing those cheeks. As far as who you resemble, you’ve gotten a pretty equal mix of people saying you look like me, or like your dad. 

The first week you came home from the hospital was really tough. On your third day, we went to the breastfeeding clinic, and the nurse told us that you had lost more weight (down 9% from your birth weight), you were dehydrated (there were urate crystals in your urine), and possibly jaundiced. That really shook me up – I thought that you had been feeding well and were doing just fine. The jaundice caused you to be very lethargic, and it was hard to wake you enough to feed. Plus, my milk didn’t come in until Day 5, which made it even harder. Your dad and I would feed you every 2-3 hours, and it was a struggle each time. We would undress you and put you skin-to-skin on me, and then we’d tickle you, put a cool damp cloth on you, jiggle your feet, and really anything to keep you awake enough to feed. Afterwards, I would pump some milk and we’d feed it to you with a dropper, trying to get you fed enough to keep you hydrated and help you clear out the bilirubin. We even took you the ER on Day 4 because we were so worried about you. You had the heel prick bilirubin test done several times over the course of the next few days, to make sure the jaundice wasn’t progressing too much. Luckily, once my milk came in, you started doing much better. In fact, you’ve been gaining about 45g per day, which is phenomenal compared to the average of 25-30g daily, according to your doctor.

You were great at sleeping for the first two weeks or so. But now you are more active and aware, and don’t always like to sleep as much. Unfortunately, you tend to cluster-feed in the late evening and early morning, which is exhausting for all of us. You sleep really well on your play mat in the living room, and I think it’s because you like to hang out with us and don’t like the solitude of your crib. 

You’ve tried tummy time a few times, and you’ve been doing so well! You’ve got great strength and can lift up your head, and even move it from one side to the other. 

We’ve had a few poopsplosions. Once, your poop exploded out of you and splattered the wall. Fun times, Nathan.

You love being in a warm bath, but scream as soon as we lift you out and put you in a cozy towel. After your bath, your hair sticks up and looks all fuzzy which greatly amuses your dad.

First bath

You’ve had lots of visitors, and everyone has fallen in love with you. Your most frequent visitor is Poh-Poh, whom I’ve dubbed the “baby whisperer” because she’s great at calming you to sleep. She also likes to go through your extensive wardrobe and dress you up in hats and such. Your mom doesn’t have that kind of energy right now, sorry kiddo. According to Chinese tradition, both of us are supposed to stay home for an entire month. Other than some medical visits, that’s pretty much what we’ve been doing. Poh-poh has been so great – she has come over to help clean, cook, take care of us, and provide me with some much needed company. 

You’ve got such a sweet laid-back personality. It’ll be neat to see you progress and develop, and to see how much you change or stay the same. You have alert quiet moments where you drink in everything around you with your eyes. When something is bothering you (e.g. the swaddle, or trying to move around on your tummy), you give a lot of effort to fix the situation, making sweet little grunts or squeals. Only after a lot of effort do you eventually cry and let us know that you need help.

Breastfeeding has been a mixed blessing for us. In the hospital, you latched on perfectly an hour after your birth and you’ve been a great at feeding ever since. We haven’t had any issues with breastfeeding so far, thank goodness. I love that we can have that special relationship where it’s just me and you, even in the wee hours of the morning. On the other hand, I sometimes find it difficult that I’m the only one who can feed you, especially in the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes you feed very calmly and methodically, and other times you’re frantic and arching your neck and back. You feed every 2-3 hours, and each time it takes about 45 minutes to feed and change you. If you go back to sleep right afterwards, I’m lucky to get 1-2 hours of sleep at a time. However, the reward is that I can see you getting bigger and stronger every day. You’ve already grown out of newborn diapers and some of your sleepers and onesies. 

At your one month doctor’s appointment, we found out that you’re 8lb 15oz and 21 inches long. You’ve gained 50% from your lowest weight, and gotten 2 inches taller! Your cheeks are an explosion of chubby cuteness and you’ve got an adorable double (maybe triple) chin! You’re growing like a champ.

You were spectacular at your Moon Yuet Dinner – the traditional celebration at one month. You were calm and alert as you got passed around to everyone (you had about 80 guests!) and hundreds of photos of you were taken. You and I shared a sweet moment when, after being passed around like a hot potato for about an hour, you started to fuss and cry a bit. As soon as you were handed back to me, you calmed down immediately. You recognized me!  You knew that I was yours, and you were mine.

Your dad and I have been together for almost a decade. We love each other so much, but secretly I’ve always thought of us as a couple, not as a family unit. But you, kiddo – you’ve made us into a family of three, and it feels just right.

Love always,

Mumma